i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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