My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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