Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize