I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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