genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
