I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
