oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I am naked and annoyed.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
