You just made me feel so damn special
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
