I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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