I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
