Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
