guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
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Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
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