Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
