I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
