hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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