So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
