New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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