i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
