Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
