I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
