I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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