I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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