that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
