She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
...so i touched it.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
