That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
