Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
