I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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