I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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