We need to rekindle our bromance
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize