if only i could text you this smell
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
