Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You ruined the universe
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
