Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
