I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
