Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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