Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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