don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
