Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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