in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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