Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
