shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
