Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize