it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
