The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
