I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
