I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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