Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
