a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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