if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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