Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
