dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
