There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
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i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
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This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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