I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
