dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You ate ashes out of my bong
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
