Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
