it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
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