I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
