3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
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the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
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hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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