when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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