found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
