My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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