I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
