My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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