Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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